I Think I Love You
Don't disrespect me. That was the main reason that I had to leave. In 1990, I was young, and I was in love. At least at the time, I thought I was in love. My brother, Miles had just committed suicide three years ago. And I was out of college and in to my first real job. And the secret boyfriend that I had in school, was still seeing me, and his full time girl, too... My life was a mess.
It was so much of a mess at 23 years old, that I wanted to take my life. I had no real idea why this guy would want me. But he keeps showing up and listening to me. He always wants my body, and sometimes my mind. I guess I was feeling pretty used at that point. My brother, who was not at Peace in the Light, at that time, was telling me what to do. I had not formed my understanding of how to speak to Spirit as well as I do now. I was still in the beginning stages of that, so I could tell only once in awhile that it was his Spirit shouting at me. And mostly it was to dump this guy and move on with life.
The pressure to do what I wanted, to hold on to the lifeline of the boyfriend, even if the situation around me was less than acceptable, rather than leave to find a new good life, free and clear of the mental and emotional abuse that I suffered most of the time was palpable. I wanted to get the benefits of moving away and starting a fun new chapter in my life, but to leave was my choice, and yet I felt pressured to do it by everything around me, including my brother somehow. I wanted to see where this relationship would go if it flourished, and the boyfriend, even if he was not perfect, was still in my corner. And then suddenly, he wasn't.
He showed signs of forgetting about me. I put him on notice. Told him to get rid of the full time girlfriend or we are through. And he did. But he told me that he still wanted to date other people. And I could feel the conflict in my heart. He wanted me, and yet I was not the one that he needed. So, as soon as I found him with another girl, who was not just a friend, as he told me, I called him and said that I never wanted to see him again. And I left for Florida. And nearly died due to the deep depression that followed.
But what I did not understand at the time, was that this was an abusive relationship. He never hit me, or pushed me physically. But he did with his treatment of me. He pushed me with the acceptance that I had to take the good with the bad when it came to seeing me on the side of his other public girlfriend, and he hit me with the bombshell that he was not ready to see only me when they finally broke up. I was devastated and I could feel my brother's Spirit almost smirking as I packed up and left New Jersey for Florida in tears. But I had continued to feel that push to leave from Spirit was too harsh and I hated that I could have somehow stayed and turned it all around. At least that is what I told myself for years.
When this boyfriend, who spoke to me only a few times twenty years later, died at 46 years old from alcoholism, I wondered why he kept showing up in my home, as I was newly divorced, (and my marriage was a highly abusive relationship). That was when I felt the push to learn more and become a Psychic Medium. Suddenly, the ex boyfriend wanted to talk. He has his issues, but he wanted to make good on some old promises. I let him in and allowed it. And before you know it, I was listening to his advice and getting myself pushed around again but this time in Spirit, as I was unable to understand his decisions and that I should just follow along. Being a Medium, is like talking to people in your life, and knowing that they are on the phone only. Except that phone is directly into your mind. Before you know it, I had a breakdown. That was ten years ago, in 2013.
Since then, I had to manage my life carefully, I have a daughter that I love and is my world. The fallout of the breakdown caused my abusive ex husband to take her away and make her primary household his then instead of mine. It has not been the best ten years for her or for myself. But we manage the best we can. And in Spirit, I had to forgive the ex boyfriend and even my brother Miles for the nothing short of terrorizing me when I first started to do readings. They persecuted me to be so paranoid from the fear of my ex husband that I lost my only purpose in the world, my little girl, who was my whole life. Instead of dying from abuse that my ex husband had nearly executed several times in the past, my happiness, my normal life as a mom was taken away because I was still broken. There was one piece of the puzzle that I could not solve, and as long as I had that happening, I would continue to fall victim to abuse, even from Spirit. I was so busy loving everyone else, I forgot to love me.
My Self Respect had hit an all time low. I was doing everything I could to make my life better. It was 2017, and my daughter was having the same trouble that I had in her dad's house. And after losing a huge custody battle, I was powerless to help her. All I could do was be a part-time parent. And I had to watch her suffer as I did under his rules. And then this man in Spirit walked in. He was charming, and fun. And late to the game in his opinion. But he wanted to help me. And he asked to be there whenever I needed. I eventually said yes, but I rarely asked for help. He knew that about me. But when I played his music, it was like a call out of the darkness. And when I started to buy his albums, he knew I was in need of his help.
So, my call went out to David Cassidy, a singer and songwriter. I asked for his advice and he stayed awhile. Then he stayed awhile longer. Then the call came in for him to help someone else, and he did. But he came right back to me. He knew that I was falling for his way of being his new formed self, and he loved me from when we were pre-lifetimed to the planet. So, it makes sense to see him now. Only, he had one issue with me. My self esteem was abysmal.
He had made some notes, and he had taken me seriously. But this issue with the ex boyfriend kept finding its way back to us. Mostly because the ex boyfriend was still in the running to make me happy, or so he thought. This guy was trying to steal my girl. Who said that? Both of them. And I was ready to answer. My heart is with David. I can no longer stay with anyone who would harm me to make themselves look good. To love me is to honor who I am, and take pride in what I do. To love me is to cherish me. We love each other. That was my answer. And the ex boyfriend was not pleased. But in my defense, I should have stayed a bit longer in New Jersey back in 1990, just long enough to prove that I was done for good. Not anyone, friend, or Spirit needed to push me out the door to find a better life. I was the only one that should have done that. I needed that moment to stare at the Heavens and say, why me? And then take myself out of the worst situation and into a better one. I needed to love me more than the boyfriend, the job, the family that needed me, or anyone else that felt I was there to solve their problems.
I had to learn it all the hard way, throughout my life. I needed to love me and treat myself as extremely valuable. That is the only way that someone else will find value in me, is to see the value that I finally can give myself and honor it. Now I know that I can love again.
PS. Thank you, DC.. I finally love me, too.
Anne St. John is a Psychic Medium and Author of Miles Away. She can be reached for readings over the phone or by zoom conference at www.AnneStJohnl.com