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Half Heaven, Half Heartache: The Story of Suicide

The Following is an except from Miles Away: The Channeled Messages of my Brother's Suicide and His Journey into Heaven.

My mother used to take us to the Jersey Shore when my brother and I were young. Each week we would drive into Sandy Hook with a carload of towels, blankets, colorful coolers, homemade picnic lunches and a huge beach umbrella. And each week, we would look forward to it.

My brother, Miles and I were born only about a year and a half apart. He was always off doing and discovering things, meeting people and swimming. And I typically stayed within sight of the striped beach umbrella that my mother was often found sitting beneath its shade, reading one of her many books. I never strayed for long, and always tried to be near the lifeguard, as per her instructions.

Sandy beach

But one day, when I was about nine years old, I wandered away from the safety of the family. I was alone in the water, swimming not far from shore, and ready to get out, dry off and rest. And then it happened.

As I got to where the waves were breaking, and I was finally able to just touch the bottom, I felt a huge heavy wave of water crash over me and push me under. I would have thought it was funny, had I been able to get back up. Disoriented, I realized that I had lost my footing, and reached for anything that was solid. I tumbled over and over, and just as I was able to break to the surface, another huge wave attacked before I could even catch a breath of air.

Again, I felt my feet come out from under me. Rolling under the wave, I struggled to find the surface and finally caught one quick breath. But it was over in a second, because before I could take second gasp, another huge wave hit me and sent me flying, and again spiraling underwater.

Now I was scared. I tried to make sense of the direction, and as I broke the through the surface once more, I struggled for another quick breath of air and another surge of water rose up and threw me under once again. Maybe the lifeguard would see me by now, I thought, and he would come to my rescue and help meet find my way out of trouble. Again, I went under reaching frantically for solid ground when I finally was swept a few feet forward by another wave, now somehow out of danger and weakly made it to shore.

I had only been about nine feet from dry land, and no one had noticed, not Miles who was off playing, or my mother that was still under the beach umbrella, and not even the lifeguard that was watching the bathers beyond where I was caught and being pulled under the crashing waves nearly right in front of him. It was frightening how close I came to dying, how near I was to those that could have saved me, and how I ended up having to fight to survive it all alone.

It occurred to me that it was the best way to describe what happens to us, those of us that have struggled with depression and suicide. As a child, looking for help in all directions and having to fight off something stronger than I could comprehend in the middle of a normal happy day at the beach, it was something to think about when life took a difficult direction- only this time it was emotional.

My brother Miles’ experiences in life found him struggling to survive in a similar way. His fight to overcome emotional battles began when he was only ten years old. He fought off the darkness of his own pain again and again for another nine years until he ended his life. Each time gasping from losing his footing with the foundations of our family, and trying to regain his strength to fight another battle, each one sending him spiraling downward emotionally.

His attitudes, and his lack of self esteem were overlapping and hard to overcome. And just like the waves that overtook me that day, his life was a series of tumultuous battles that he fought, often silently, just to stay safe and happy. The last battle was over instantly and was a permanent solution to one of the low times where he wanted to end his life. In so many ways it was not his fault.

Miles was the one loss I never expected. I cannot tell you how often I knew of his deep depression but never thought that we would seriously see him take his own life. Losing him crushed me, as it did all of us that knew him, and his death sent a chain reaction of depression reaching over everyone that loved him and lost him far too soon.

I never intended to become a Psychic Medium. But I feel that it was Miles that first introduced me to the idea. His experience with the way that Mediums can help others though communication has helped so many, including myself, heal from so much pain. And Miles persistence was the first of a long line of people that needed me to speak up for them, as I knew that my thoughts were not always all of my own. Communication, it seems, is a key to unlocking the past, and freeing the soul.

This book, Miles Away, is channeled. That means that I take their words, those in Spirit, as literally as they flow through my thoughts to the keyboard and I type what they tell me to. I do not take any responsibility for their way of explaining their parts, but I have asked them at times to explain it better or without the details that would bore you with my personal life as a younger woman in her twenties. They often challenged me to keep my life interwoven. I guess they have their reasons.

Since my name is also in here as author, under it are my opinions and my side of the story as well. Therefore, this book is written with the Souls point of view, as well as my own. There are parts that are needed to be presented, and stories that could not be taken out without doing a subsequent disservice to my brother’s story, or my own. I just tell it like it is, so be kind enough to not judge me or anyone else for that matter, without reading the entire story and comparing it to one of your own.

We each are part of the Great Story of Earth, and we each play our role. For those of you that have losses, especially for those that have survived the suicide of a loved one, this book is here to help you heal. I hope that you find comfort in the messages that are given here. My brother was nineteen, but as you know, suicide or not, his soul lives on, as your loved ones do, too. Pray for them and know that they still hear you, know you, and love you. And when you are called home, theirs will be the story to personally tell you, as they are still alive and living in the Light of Heaven.

Anne St. John is a Psychic Medium, and author of Miles Away, which is about to be re-released.

Please take a minute to pray for the families that have lost loved ones through suicide, and for the families and loved ones that have been left behind wishing that they could have helped them.

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