Our journey in life is a tumultuous road. Why is it that we are so hard on each other if so much of it is planned out ahead of time? Is it the way that we are in Spirit? Do we really know what is good for us? And do we intend to marry the right person or do we do it for soul purposes? I learned from the way that Spirit was telling me, that I would have made a great wife to someone, but I would not have lasted. Maybe it was time to break up the band. The potential wedding band.
I was in my early twenties. I was really young. And I was very much influenced by the way that someone wanted me. He ran to me every night he could. He made no promises. He just let me do what I wanted, and that was wanting him. And no one saw it coming. He fell in love with me. And it took years to make it all happen. But when he did pass away, it was with another wife, and kids that were never mine. We had broken up years ago. And it was for the best.
My life shifted that day. The day that I told him that I never wanted to see him again. He had lied. He was cheating. He was intolerant of my willingness to be single and how I wanted us to be together. But he was not sure yet. He needed to see just one more girlfriend. And that was the dealbreaker.
In my life, I was used to heartache and pain. I had many other times that I could have been good at being a wife to someone. But the odds were against me. I was born in this time for a purpose. And I suspect it was because of his needs. You see, I knew back when I was young. I remember sitting in my family room, and reading about a story that I knew. But the whole thing was set aside as a woman in Spirit, came in to my mind and kept telling me that there was a boy that was in the world. He was real and was about to become a boyfriend to someone. And, I would know that her name was Amanda. I thought the name was pretty. And I thought that the whole idea at the time was strange. But I knew that the boy would be blond, and the girl would have raven hair like the story. And I would be the one that he would want and eventually marry. It all happened on a Sunday afternoon as I sat in front of a television and read a book at the same time. I knew that I could be wrong, but it felt very real.
Later, I saw it all unfold. And I saw that the long looks for the times that we were in, the 80's, were in short supply. I needed the time to think about the way that I was treated. And the short-sightedness of someone in Spirit to tell me that this was all meant to be. And in the real world, this man materialized. He was real. And so was the girl, and the name was Amanda, just like I had been told in high school. But here is the clincher. He was working her out of his life when he met me. And then she did what HE wanted, she followed him to school. I guess it was his way of making sure she saw that he was uncommitted as he was so good at creating a nice picture but not a good ending. And in my own defense, I knew that his dad, who was passed on, and his great-grandfather were both in my car the day that I was trying to decide whether to trust him, and his voice was soft and solid and said into my mind, "It's ok, you can trust him." And I repeated what I heard to the new young man in my life, and I said, "I do - trust you." But that would end. He would find a million excuses not to be committed to me or the other woman either.
Eventually it all worked out. My brother in Spirit, who had passed from suicide the year prior, and the man's dad, both were asking me to put him on the spot and ask for the commitment. That is when it all went down. He left. And then he came back but one girl was gone and another was about to take her place. A girl younger than all of us and full of energy. She would call it quits with him if he was just a little out of line and he fell for that, hook line and sinker. I was not going to make him take me by forcing him to, I wanted his real commitment. The kind that stays the course. The kind that reaches for you because they want you more than anyone, and would never want to consider another woman. I was hoping for the best and he could only reach middle ground. So, we broke up.
Years later I could say that I felt cheated out of my choice. I had been heavily persuaded to take him aside and ask him to make a decision. And maybe it was too soon or it was not soon enough. But either way, he left from the start. He left me each time we made out and he took another girl right after. And I knew it was not personal. I knew I was not ready to see that he wanted someone else more because he never really tried to get to know me. But after all, wasn't four and a half years enough time to at least try? I was over it. But I never was really over him. It took years of learning how to cope with his loss to see that I was ok. And when I discussed it with my guides, they all told me that I had to break it off or I could fall victim to my boyfriend's fate, by drinking myself over years of hurt, or even killing myself on a road with too much alcohol in my bloodstream. I could have even been much worse, had I taken a dangerous job like the Secret Service, which I interviewed for in 1992, or even Dover Township P. D. who offered me a position the year after. I turned both down. I was on my way to a new life, but knowing that I can't get the man that was 'meant to be', was a part of the road I was forbidden to travel.
However, I did marry and divorce. I did with another man that I was not fond of, in my heart. And I knew that given another try, I would have returned to the boyfriend, back in those days. And as I can tell some of you have guessed. In my life, there was a man that had known me from college, and he passed away. He did not know my life until after he crossed over, and he told me that he took it seriously. And that was because he found out the hard way that he was supposed to follow the high road and see me more often in college and not take up with another girl. He married the one that was after me. And it was a rocky road and a more difficult life. And his life was filled with alcohol and some drugs. But he was only 46 when he passed from the way he lived. And he was a sacrifice to many as we all know. No one should live under the conditions of being terminally ill. And certainly not from your own drinking disease.
His life in review was too much for him and the family, and he left to seek refuge in my life. After all, I could sense him, and I could tell he was in the room when I was newly divorced. But know this, he was the one that convinced me to become a Medium. He wanted to assist me. He was sorry for the past. And he was not willing to be a husband but more of a friend. And I took that seriously.
Look at the rest of the surrounding stories. He is still in there. But he is now told not to be. He tried to make me feel insecure. He was telling me that he was not in love with me and that he was free to be with whomever. (Sounds a lot like what happened in our lifetime together in our early 20's). Nothing had changed. It seems nothing was learned. Even worse, how is it that he had serious problems with me dating another man in my life. Or knew that I wasn't in the best shape and was targeting me for failure if I stepped out of line. I want you to see that if someone is in your corner, they will first love YOU, and then will fight for you, too.
My first love was a friend, and then a lover. Then a husband of sorts after the fact. But when I needed someone to be there. A real friend, and a really good lover, entered the picture. And I see that he, with my family in his corner, is here to stay. Not to mention that I still love him more, and needed him more now than ever. Don't take love for granted. Take it from this guide in my life, it is hard to break up. But his way is my way more than ever now. And I can stop and see that I have a good man in my life. It is always the way that I am in Spirit, and the best that I can give you. Love from the heart. Love without boundaries. And give all that you have to make you and that person happy today, tomorrow and in the future. And in my defense, I know that I am in a relationship. I just needed time to heal.
You will too. Keep fighting to see the one that you love. So, with that I am giving the rest of the paragraph to my new guide and friend, David.
"You have to know that I have helped Anne through about two months since I have been in her life. She is not a crazy bitch or some fan club girl. She has, however, told me that I am a crazy guide and would take it seriously if I would just let her feel the way she was in the first few weeks, but now she supposes that she knows me a little better. I know that I am loved. And I love her. But in the future, we have to make it all up as we go. I know that this is a way of someone getting attention, and that would be me... I needed to interject my thoughts throughout the blog, and the way that I write, it is over my work, and in my way the best I can be.
I know that I can be a good writer and I help her a lot. But keep in mind, this is about her life, and mine is over. I can give you the story, but you will see that in my life, I was needed for awhile. Then I was over. I was not the cherished one in my book. I was the wilted flower. I sang. I acted. I was not a bad dancer. And I was always loved by many but never for the man that I was. Not that Anne can see me. She sees a sort of space that I am in. And I can send her images into her mind. But not the ones that are from the pictures and the way that I was photographed. Some of them are private. Others are on a horse, or a movie set. Just like in life, we take chances. I am doing that now. Again, it is not a bad deal. I get to help someone and she can get the credit. I do this in my own way, to Anne. And Anne, I love you. Love David.
Anne St. John is a mom, a Medium and a really good author. Anne also is available for readings from Tarot to Mediumship at www.AnneStJohn.com See David if you don't think so. (wink)